So look: I know Everybody Poops. I poop. I have lied and told boys that I do not, but I do. There shouldn’t be any shame in that, but there is. And I cannot- CAN NOT- do it in a restroom with stalls and other people. I’ve tried and I cannot do it. All that happens is I sit there trying to play Jedi mind tricks on the other people in there, trying to make them leave. And until they do, I fake that I am not trying to go. I blow my nose. I flip the lid up and down on the sanitary napkin receptacle. I lift my feet up so that people will think there is no one in there. I sit and wait for people to leave and I grow full of hatred for them.
So I came up with a new strategy. When nature calls and I cannot shut her up, I have taken to using the first floor bathroom in the lobby. No one is ever in there and I can just take my time and do my thing. Sometimes this timed deodorizer goes off and spritzes the room with a floral scent. It’s beautiful. The only problem, is that I have to walk by Claire and Debbie, our receptionists. Somehow Debbie is never there when I make trips down there but Claire sees me every single time. She’s never busy talking to someone else or off doing something. I swear it’s like she waits there for me. She’s this sweet shy type and we’ve never broken the ice enough for me to joke with her or to have anything at all really to say beyond “hey.” And I know she’s on to me. I kind of thought she might just believe that I use that bathroom because was in the downstairs kitchen or something but I think it’s getting pretty obvious that that is not the case. So I have all but stopped making eye contact with her any time I see her anywhere in the building. And I honestly don’t know that I could speak to her if I ran into her on the street.
We will never be friends. Claire, if you ever read this, please understand. It’s not you, it’s me. [Although it would be HUGE if you would just please be somewhere other than your desk just ONE time when I walk by to use the bathroom.]
1 comment:
Sometimes when I write the $11,000 a month rent check for this building I remember that I have my very own bathroom and it makes me feel a little better. It might also be why I have never hired anyone to replace you.
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