I know what you're thinking, and yes, I pulled this one in all on my own.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Hate mail
I've been delegated to do the merry task to telling my coworkers to stop what they are doing to write down a list of what they are doing and then collect these lists, compile them into one big list, and give them to our director, who never reads them. Every Friday, I send out an email, reminding people to do these lists. Here are some of the responses I've gotten in the last month or so:
“Oh god.”
“Crap.”
“Balls.”
“No. and how come procurement doesn’t have to?!!!”
“You’re a big suckfest. “
“Boo.”
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Ugh, I was gonna send you a snotty reply but you brought me brain coral…I just spoke with the brain coral, and it too does not like pending lists.”
“You disgust me.”
“I’d like to see your pending list one of these days.”
“Pending List + Kat = Kat Vomiting and giving Jess dirty looks”
“Please, I have this in the bag…you’re a pending list geisha.”
“Dear Ms. T----,
Thank you for your diligence in collecting pending lists from the members of the Cost Proposal Unit at ----------------, Inc. I appreciate your understanding of my usual tardiness in providing the fully completed form. I hope that this early submission and congenial email will fall favorably upon you this Friday afternoon.”
“Can you add P. to your pending list email? I’d say thank you but we both know I’m not”
“This is crazy, I googled your name and it brought up an entry on dictionary.com:
Jessica [Jess-ih-cuh]: A Senior Program Assistant determined to make her co-workers lives hell. She is considered by many to be worse than the scum found at the bottom of a toxic garbage barrel that has seen all manner of hazardous waste tossed into it.
Also: an extinct bird. Sorry.”
“gah.it gets me every Friday even though I know it's coming...”
GUYS. I HAVE TO DO ONE TOO. AND COLLECT ALL OF YOURS! But thanks for making the process more entertaining.
“Oh god.”
“Crap.”
“Balls.”
“No. and how come procurement doesn’t have to?!!!”
“You’re a big suckfest. “
“Boo.”
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Ugh, I was gonna send you a snotty reply but you brought me brain coral…I just spoke with the brain coral, and it too does not like pending lists.”
“You disgust me.”
“I’d like to see your pending list one of these days.”
“Pending List + Kat = Kat Vomiting and giving Jess dirty looks”
“Please, I have this in the bag…you’re a pending list geisha.”
“Dear Ms. T----,
Thank you for your diligence in collecting pending lists from the members of the Cost Proposal Unit at ----------------, Inc. I appreciate your understanding of my usual tardiness in providing the fully completed form. I hope that this early submission and congenial email will fall favorably upon you this Friday afternoon.”
“Can you add P. to your pending list email? I’d say thank you but we both know I’m not”
“This is crazy, I googled your name and it brought up an entry on dictionary.com:
Jessica [Jess-ih-cuh]: A Senior Program Assistant determined to make her co-workers lives hell. She is considered by many to be worse than the scum found at the bottom of a toxic garbage barrel that has seen all manner of hazardous waste tossed into it.
Also: an extinct bird. Sorry.”
“gah.it gets me every Friday even though I know it's coming...”
GUYS. I HAVE TO DO ONE TOO. AND COLLECT ALL OF YOURS! But thanks for making the process more entertaining.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
cast not ye your pearls before swine.
Jessica: Want to try some lavender chocolate?
Daniel: Wait, isn’t lavender a flower?
Jessica: Yes.
Daniel: Ok. …this tastes like a bathroom!
Daniel: Wait, isn’t lavender a flower?
Jessica: Yes.
Daniel: Ok. …this tastes like a bathroom!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
quotes from coworkers
As he walked by my desk: “I may be attending a gay rugby fundraiser Friday night…"
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Why the receptionist and I will never be friends
So look: I know Everybody Poops. I poop. I have lied and told boys that I do not, but I do. There shouldn’t be any shame in that, but there is. And I cannot- CAN NOT- do it in a restroom with stalls and other people. I’ve tried and I cannot do it. All that happens is I sit there trying to play Jedi mind tricks on the other people in there, trying to make them leave. And until they do, I fake that I am not trying to go. I blow my nose. I flip the lid up and down on the sanitary napkin receptacle. I lift my feet up so that people will think there is no one in there. I sit and wait for people to leave and I grow full of hatred for them.
So I came up with a new strategy. When nature calls and I cannot shut her up, I have taken to using the first floor bathroom in the lobby. No one is ever in there and I can just take my time and do my thing. Sometimes this timed deodorizer goes off and spritzes the room with a floral scent. It’s beautiful. The only problem, is that I have to walk by Claire and Debbie, our receptionists. Somehow Debbie is never there when I make trips down there but Claire sees me every single time. She’s never busy talking to someone else or off doing something. I swear it’s like she waits there for me. She’s this sweet shy type and we’ve never broken the ice enough for me to joke with her or to have anything at all really to say beyond “hey.” And I know she’s on to me. I kind of thought she might just believe that I use that bathroom because was in the downstairs kitchen or something but I think it’s getting pretty obvious that that is not the case. So I have all but stopped making eye contact with her any time I see her anywhere in the building. And I honestly don’t know that I could speak to her if I ran into her on the street.
We will never be friends. Claire, if you ever read this, please understand. It’s not you, it’s me. [Although it would be HUGE if you would just please be somewhere other than your desk just ONE time when I walk by to use the bathroom.]
So I came up with a new strategy. When nature calls and I cannot shut her up, I have taken to using the first floor bathroom in the lobby. No one is ever in there and I can just take my time and do my thing. Sometimes this timed deodorizer goes off and spritzes the room with a floral scent. It’s beautiful. The only problem, is that I have to walk by Claire and Debbie, our receptionists. Somehow Debbie is never there when I make trips down there but Claire sees me every single time. She’s never busy talking to someone else or off doing something. I swear it’s like she waits there for me. She’s this sweet shy type and we’ve never broken the ice enough for me to joke with her or to have anything at all really to say beyond “hey.” And I know she’s on to me. I kind of thought she might just believe that I use that bathroom because was in the downstairs kitchen or something but I think it’s getting pretty obvious that that is not the case. So I have all but stopped making eye contact with her any time I see her anywhere in the building. And I honestly don’t know that I could speak to her if I ran into her on the street.
We will never be friends. Claire, if you ever read this, please understand. It’s not you, it’s me. [Although it would be HUGE if you would just please be somewhere other than your desk just ONE time when I walk by to use the bathroom.]
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)